Put me off my burger
Some things should never, ever be allowed to see the light of day. The sight of a virtually naked Piers Morgan, medallion-clad, reclining in front of a roaring fire accompanied by the line ‘The scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-grilled meat’ has completely put me off my food and is currently giving me nightmares on a regular basis. For me it’s just plain wrong.
There is an observation increasingly in danger of becoming a cliché of 2009, which is that many successful businesses started life in a recession. However, like all good clichés it’s based on truth and there’s no doubting the fact that there are opportunities for those who are prepared to think a little differently. And the same is also true for existing brands.
Which is where Piers Morgan and his unholy alliance with the new Burger King fragrance comes into play. It’s quite an interesting idea in principle; the notion that men spraying themselves with a scent inspired by the fumes of flame grilled meat will transform into masculine objects of desire.
In fact ‘Flame’ was launched in the States as a Christmas gift and the low price tag (it’s retailing for around £4.99, apparently) suggests that this doesn’t really represent a serious assault on the multi-billion pound global fragrance market. It may be more than just a PR stunt (and a potential source of some additional revenue) and it’s unlikely that we’ll all still be spraying ourselves in ten years time. In fact it’s unlikely I’ll ever spray myself with ‘Flame’.
But it did get me thinking about other possible opportunities for brands and celebrities in these unusual and exceptional times in which we live and here are a few of my suggestions, remember you heard it here first…
• Ronseal: sets up a political party and sweeps to power on a simple yet popular promise, the public welcomes a party it can trust to do what it says it will. First Ronseal Prime Minister? Might as well be plain speaking Alan Sugar who’s already building his political credentials. Imagine cabinet reshuffle meetings broadcast live on a Wednesday night.
• Nintendo: move into childcare products as part of their broadening family gaming appeal, leading to an inspired promotion for their newly launched nappy range: ‘Buy a Nintendo Wii, get Nintendo Poos free’. Gillian McKeith is already booked.
• Carling: finally start doing all the things they’ve told us for years they don’t do, such as weddings, night clubs and restaurants and prove to us that they actually are the best in the world. Campaign fronted by, who else, Tina Turner?
• Red Bull: turns out that it really does give you wings as it launches the world’s first low-cost long haul airline, offering flights to Australia for £1, the decision to serve nothing but Red Bull on the flight to passengers only makes for a more entertaining journey. Keith Chegwin dons his pilot’s cap for the high energy TV ads.
• Guinness: in a bold new move to shift economic attitudes, Guinness sets up a new type of bank account which offers minimal credit facilities and is sold under the campaign line ‘Good things come to those who wait’. Sadly it turns out no-one is prepared to sit around for long and the ironic campaign featuring the stars of this year’s Big Brother, Britain’s Got Talent, X-Factor, Come Dine With Me, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, The Apprentice, Hell’s Kitchen and Masterchef proves a flop.